Rest in Peace Dear Grandma

A lot have happened recently. At some point, I just cannot think and deal with it anymore. I'm afraid I could not be able to bear it, but Allah will never test His servants with anything they cannot bear.

A week before my grandmother passed away, I went back to my hometown with my brother and sister-in-law and nephew as I received a call from mother that she wasn't able to sit, eat and do things due to extreme fatigue. It had been a week since that happened but I was sticked to my plan that I wanted to go back to my hometown before Eid-ul-Adha.

20th July 2019
At 10-ish am, my brother arrived with my s-i-l and nephew. I asked him to drive my car as I really wanted my Dad to test drive it anyway.

As usual, a journey on the road is always tiring. 6 hours drive and we managed to arrive home at 10 minutes to 7pm.  I just went straight away checking on my mom's condition and saw how weak she was. I couldn't tell everything here but that's what happened.

I didn't apply any work leaves yet as I was unsure when to go back to KK. I just texted my boss thru whatsapp and told her everything. Apparently, it took me 3 days off from work. It was a very emergency, short notice and I had to put aside all my duties at work. 

I was a bit stressed out as this semester was cut-off short due to relocation that will take place in early September. As I was stumbled upon my duties at work, students' assessment and the list goes on and on, I had this issue with family that needed my utmost concern anyway.

Long story short, on the 24th of July, I asked my cousin Ika to drive me back to KK with my car. Well, I must say I am not a competent driver yet. Thanks to her that she gave me the support and assisted me along the way. Where would you find a cousin like that? Naah... You cannot find them anywhere else in the world. So do appreciate them!

25th July 2019
5 days at home. Here came the reality. Back at work! A lot of things I needed to settle down. A lot needed to catch up and I was feeling guilty all the way.

It's not easy to squeeze all the syllabus and modules in a very short amount of time. But we all gotta do it. So I just gave my best the best I could.

2nd August 2019
It was a pretty hectic day at work. I was busy handling students for their Mock Interview day. It started from morning until 5pm! I didn't know what happened that it took a lot of time.

At 2pm, when I had a take 5, I checked on my phone and saw messages from my family group (where uncles, aunts and cousins are in), my uncle said that my late grandma was in the red zone of the Emergency room. The past year, my grandma had been in that situation a couple of times, made me think that maybe it was just another time.

Hours later, my uncle said, grandma was taken into the ICU. That was the moment where I thought something was not right there. I couldn't focus with my students interview but I tried not to show it and stayed professional. It was hard. Wayyyyy hardddd after such a long time doing it. That moment was real. I asked myself many times, "Is this gonna be the time? Is it time yet?" etc etc etc. 

At 5.30pm, I was planning to go home. As soon before I started off my car, my phone rang and it was my elder sister, Bobby.

She called me in tears, shaky voices and slowly let me understand the situation. My hands started to shaking right away. I never received that kind of phone call especially that relates to someone I love so much. My sister couldn't speak much as she kept sobbing her tears. It was a heavy, heavy feeling.

She said, "If you are able to go back to home (Sandakan) now, please do so. Ina' (grandma) looks like she doesn't have that much time anymore. Please pray for her a lot. If you wanna speak to her, please call Abg Sarju (uncle) as he is in the room with Ina'. Please make a call while you still can." A moment later she hung up.

The moment she hung up, I called my uncle right away. I started to cry heavily without started talking to my grandma yet. As I called my uncle, my mom was also there. So she picked up first and I told mom that I wanna speak to Ina'. "Can she hear me?." My mom said, she couldn't speak (due to breathing difficulty) but she could hear you on the phone (loudspeaker mode).

As soon as my mom let the phone closed to my grandma's ear, this is what I said, "Ina', aku minta maaf banyak2 kalau ada kesalahan selama ini. Samaada yang tanpa sengaja atau terlepas pandang yang membuatkan Ina' terguris hati. Aku sayang Ina'. Tolong tunggu aku Ina'. Tolong tunggu kami pulang."

I said everything in tears. I asked my mom again if she heard me and my mom said she heard and said "iya. Tak apa" like that. I kept crying and crying and still stuck in the parking lot at my workplace. I wasn't sure where should I head off to. I was totally confused and emotionally imbalanced.

I didn't know why I was having a feeling that that phone call was the last call that I could hear her breathing? Ya Rabb, please. Please. Please. If I could turn back the time, I would make calls to her often. I would do anything to make her happy. I would just give anything she wanted from me. A lot of things. But I know that would not happen.

I called my cousin Shikin who happens to work around Inanam district and asked her whether she wanted to go back now or later. And she said she was just fine with any decisions. We both agreed to shoot back home that night. A few minutes later, my mom called and told me not to go home that night as it would be dangerous. My cousin said she would find a friend who can drive us home. So I agreed.

Tired in confusion, I started my car engine. I drove to Angkasa Apartment to meet my MPP student, Nicholas to return all the PA systems stuff for the sports event on the following day. I couldn't make it as I was sure to go home that night. As I was on my way and stuck in the traffic jam to Angkasa, my eldest brother (Mo) called me. I never picked up any phone calls while driving but when he kept on calling me, and I knew it must be urgent, so I picked up. That was the first time. So he said to just drive back to Sandakan though he knows that I am not that confident to do that. He told me to drive slowly but the fact it was at night, ughh... It was harder to think. He urged me like crazy. He said, just ignore what mother said. Most importantly, I just shoot back home.

Okay settled stuff at Angkasa, I picked up my cousin at her area in Inanam capital. It was getting dark, I was still in tears and heavy feeling. My cousin said, she finally got a friend to drive us home. I was happy and didn't think about anything else anymore. I just wanted to see grandma (for maybe it might be the last time). 

Alright. So here's the thing.
At 9pm, my cousin's friend picked us up from CCA where I am staying. We both felt that something wasn't right. But I tried to stay positive though emotionally, I was just crying and in tears non stop.

3rd August 2019 (Saturday)
It was a long journey you know. At 3.50 am, we arrived in Sandakan. But we decided to head to McDonald's to get some food. We went home later. 5.30 am, I heard my mom screamed and shocked at the same time seeing me in my bedroom.

Here's the thing. If only, if only me and my cousin went straight to the hospital, we maybe were able to speak to our grandma for the last time. Instead we were not confident on heading straight to the hospital due to visiting time rules.

That phone call was everything. I arrived at the hospital around 6.40 am. Why late? Rather not share about it here. Let me say this. It was very first time facing the situation. I wasn't able to absorb the fact that my grandma had passed away. So I had much time on absorbing that. So bad.

Arrived in the hospital, as I saw my grandma laying on the bed with her body fully covered with the white cloth, that was the moment. The real moment. There it was. One of my beloved people passed away. I opened the white cloth and kissed her on the forehead quite a long time. I told her everything I wanted to say in my heart.

Everyone was in tears. My grandfather was just sitting still and watching her from the side. I couldn't describe how he might be feeling that time 'cause from the way he looked, my grandpa was very calm and silent.

Alhamdulillah that I got to see her for the last time. I will never forget that last call I had with her, the very few hours before she left us all. I learned a lot of lessons from my grandmother's passing.

Here are some of them:
1. Appreciate your beloved ones all the time
2. Make some efforts to show your love to your loved ones
3. Family is everything that money can't buy
4. Our life is short
5. Never forget that Allah knows everything

I love you a lot Ina'.

Thank you for taking care of me whenever my mom left me to go to the city and buy groceries. Thank you for defending me whenever my mom got angry at me when I was young. Thank you for always giving me a shelter whenever I wanted to stay away from my mom (rebellious thingy during adolescent). Thank you for always letting your grandchildren eat whenever we played at your house even though we always messed things up.

Thank you your infinity love towards all your grandchildren. It's undefeatable. Nobody would take from you. Thank you for showing us that love is everything when it comes to family. Thank you for all the lessons given in this life. Thank you for everything, Ina'.

I will not forget the food you served us, how did they taste, I will learn and practice doing it, especially your Maggi Pizza, that you always served to your grandkids. I will remember when you taught me how to know what day in the month without having to check on the calendar,  how to know when the seafood is full and good to be eaten, etc etc. Most importantly, I will never forget you, not even once in my whole life. I will talk about you to my grandchildren one day. I wanna be like you someday.

So many things happened just before Eid-ul-Adha. My inital plan was to go back to my hometown during Eid, turned out I went back home almost every freaking week just right before Eid-ul-Adha. Huge lessons learned. I may have planned things, but He is the greatest planner of all. 

Rest in Paradise  
Hajah Aida binti Eskol
Was born on 7.7.1940
Died at the age of 79, on 3rd August 2019, 2 Zulhijjah 1441H.
At 5.30 am.

Ya Allah, please bless my her soul and place her in your highest Jannah. Forgive all her sins and please accept all the good things she ever did in her whole life. Amin.

I LOVE YOU 3000.